this one is for you (and me)

im a nervous wreck for wht may come next week. Probably will google in  a bit on "wht to expect on the first day of school"

yes, you heard me right.
Ashraff will be going to school starting next week.
A proper wake -early-in -the morning-on-a-bus-to-class-and-back-with homework shall start for ashraff next week.

and so im the nervous wreck. i feel so unprepared.

wht happens if he doesn't want to wake up early and shower?
wht if he doesn't catch things as as i expect him to be?
or worst wht if he hates school?
and worst

wht if i decided to stay with him in class?!!!!


ive got to stay calm. i hvnt told anyone the anxiety i have in me.
The idea of letting my son with strangers for a couple of hours, then get a stranger send him back...
i still think its too early..althou at the back of my head, the time will come anyways, might as well deal with it.
ish...

its been a good day

what is a good day?

a day of no rush.
or a day of laying in bed all day.
and of course a day with rafek and ashraff all to myself.

but its not that,
 its been a good day. a different kind of good day.

Im in Laos PDR where the people are not rushed.,
Ive had a day with no time to lay in bed
and nothing will make me any better than to have my boys here.

but like i said, its a different kind of good day.
a real good day

alhamdulilah.

even positivity has its day off

Last friday, in the middle of being yelled  at for work, i did the most unexpected thing: i walked out.

Its not those situation where the boss is yelling his lungs out, and about to slap you with a file or anything. in fact i have gone thru worst situation where a file was actually thrown at me, i was yelled "farah you have failed me" in a room full of people. nope nothing like that at all.

the q that got me leaving the room was "kareena, what is your excuse?".

after all my hard work this past few months, not forgetting health being at stake, my boss pose me a question that to me means i have disappointed him.

back to the walking out bit. I ran out and went to the most safe place i could think off :toilet cubicle.

I cried and cried and cried andReally cried till it got me going "nw wht the hell is wrong here?"
or rather i should be asking "nw wht the hell is wrong with me?"

i wanted to think of bad things, of hoping he would die, he would eat his words back, he would beg for forgiveness. typical imagination gone wild when ure angry at your boss.
but nothing.

i thought of ashraff, of rafek, of my my parents, my siblings. everything else out from office. then i thought of how long can i take this.

funny how i use to tell myself, to sabar.
this situation will pass.
my positiveness will outdo this. im sure, insyallah....
but last friday. it was as if my positivity fell silent..
like it has closed its door for this situation.


even today, after a good weekend and even some texts from officemate to take it easy. i still feel defeated.

being a disappointment   to boss is normal. but when i feel defeated as well , something needs to be done.
oh well, hello monday!

In the middle of EVERYTHING

its the middle of the year
the middle of travellings upon travellings
its the middle of work being crazy and home being solace

the middle of wanting to scream to everything
the middle of being sane and insane
its really the middle of everything


i am left of the middle...


bismillah..